Kevin Schmill, a 42 year old rhinestone manufacturer from Alabasta Place, Pert, was once a much younger version of the man he is now, and once predicted (while still younger) that he would win the race in which he was about to take part, in the past (before he became older)
Whilst flicking through old photographs of himself and his family inside what is commonly known as a 'Photographic Memory Enhancement Aid Book', it is alleged that Kevin discovered a photo, which sparked an incredible memory to reappear! His own brain then revealed that, as a child he had developed, and then forgotten about, a vastly untapped and incredible power within him. The power, to see, and accurately tell his own future!
Kevin's sister 37 year old Jill Schmill, was in the room as Kevin made this very exciting revelation, "he just jumped out of his chair screaming, 'I KNEW I'd win that race, do you remember me saying, just before it started, that i was gonna win, and I only fekkin won .. I DID .. I COCKING WON!!!'" Jill continued "it was like a bolt of that stuff, you know, that stuff that comes out of plugs to power your electric lamp or electric toothbrush or whatever, well it was like a bolt of that came up through his chair and shot him into the ceiling! it'll be hell to shift blood from artex!" Before leaving hours later, Jill added, "MILK, thats the stuff that comes from plugs, no, wait, that's not it, i'll remember it though, don't help me"
Three eminent local scientists have expressed interest in studying Kevin's brain and have sent several detailed diagrammatic threats regarding the consequences to his own well being should he choose not to give up his brain to science immediately.
Three eminent local scientists have expressed interest in studying Kevin's brain and have sent several detailed diagrammatic threats regarding the consequences to his own well being should he choose not to give up his brain to science immediately.
82 year old ex takeaway delivery agent (retired.) Ada Schmill, was pronounced dead at St.Flambouyants hospital in Welney at 2.38 am gmt, after suffering a heart attack brought on by the shock derived from Kevin Schmill's reaction upon discovering the photo.
Police are said to be treating the death as uninteresting.
*This article has been edited for extreme racism - Ed.*
